The Words I Couldn’t Say

So, I have this friend. And no, I’m not actually referring to myself. I have this friend who I met about six years ago. We met through a mutual friend on MySpace (Which I’m kind of hoping would make a comeback lol) and became good friends. About 2 months into our new friendship, I realized he wanted more than friendship from me. But I wasn’t (and I’m still not) attracted to him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great person, but he just doesn’t have what I ordinarily look for in guys. And although I knew in the back of my mind that this friend of mind had a thing for me, I refused to acknowledge it.

Then one drunken night….he kissed me….and I idiotically kissed him back.

The next morning I knew what a fucking stupid mistake I had made, but I was determined to undo the damage. I hated that I gave him the indication that I was interested. The only way to fix it was to be upfront about it, I told myself.

So, that opportunity came….and I wussed out.

Later that night, we went to the Saint. We got drunk off of bourbon and danced all night. Toward the end of the night, I saw him looking at me “in that kind of way” and I knew I had to do something to put at end to all of that. So, in a drunken stupor, I went up to him and told him that I really liked him…as a friend….but I didn’t want him as my boyfriend. He looked at me, eyes full of hurt, and asked, “Why not?”  I’ve never forgotten that moment as that was the first moment I ever broke someone’s heart.

Despite the pain, we got through it. We became great friends. And we really enjoyed hanging out. I was actually pretty surprised at how natural things seemed. I had thought things would become awkward and inevitably the friendship would end. Naturally.

But it continued…until I met someone.

This someone become someone very special to me. And this friend of mine became very bitter. He became so bitter that after one dramatic altercation at The Bonham Exchange, our friendship ended. And on MySpace six years ago, I wrote this:

I’m Burning this Bridge

I kissed him. Twice. So I can understand why there might be confusion and I can understand that despite me telling him incessantly that I have no interest in him, he might think otherwise. I can understand that he might think the only reason I say these things is to protect the relationship I’m starting with Eric.

Then when I decide not to be understanding, I’m faced with someone I really don’t think I would want in my life. He is all kinds of shades, and can change his attitude the second something happens with me and another guy. He’s able to deal with Eric and I being together. That’s not a problem for him anymore. But if any other guy comes up and poses interest he immediately draws into himself, puts up a steel wall, and acts as though I’ve commited an unforgivable sin. A question I have is, why is he no longer threatened by Eric? Eric is the closest thing to a relationship I have right now and <name removed> is NOWHERE in the viscinity. I remember a few months ago, he said that he was thinking of breaking someone up. He looked straight into my eyes when he said this. He made great strides to accomplish this on Tuesday. He intentionally took advantage of a situation. So much that he hurt people in doing it. But it was all done in the hopes that he’d get what he wants. Not only did he insure himself of that NEVER happening, but he’s made it clear that he’s nothing but a bitter, insecure, selfish, impersonable backstabbing sorry excuse for a friend.

And I’m happy to know it.

And here I am, about to burn this bridge again. And not because I’m angry. But because I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to make a friend of a Frenemy. Because that’s who he’s been all this time. And THOSE are truly the words I couldn’t say.

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